Less Than 3

Yesterday I was reading through Postsecret--which by the way, if you don't read it, you should start--when I came across a postcard that said "I'm finally starting to realize that being alone doesn't have to mean being lonely." I think this rings quite true in my current situation. I spent many months convinced that I wasn't a complete person if I wasn't in a relationship, and I tried exceptionally hard to regain a "better half."



Unfortunately, this has caused more problems than I'd like to admit. My biggest downfall in relationships most recently is that I just don't know what I want, and I wind up hurting people who decide they want me. I was also convinced that if I didn't immediately fall in love with somebody that he wasn't worth my time. Personally, I know that this is completely delusional, but I can't seem to help myself from pushing away really nice guys becasue they aren't absolutely perfect. That being said, I think I've finally hit that point where I can actually admit to my problems and try to work on them, as well as admit that being single isn't terrible. Maybe being alone is just the therapy I've needed... at least until I figure out what I want.

Now, here's where I turn into a hypocrite, because I've been dating (casually, mind you) a guy from my frisbee team for the past couple weeks. My internal battle rages on while I try desperately to not push him away like I've done with every other guy who's been interested in me in the past 7 or 8 months. Now, what I've done right I suppose is that I've been very straight forward about my intentions and my feelings, and it seems he still wants to spend time with me. I can't help but worry, though, that I'm eventually going to hurt him too.

:-/

Life is hard.